i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
