if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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