her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
