i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
you had me at cake vodka
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
BRING THE BAGELS
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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