DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
