I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
