Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
