Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
