no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
"it" just moved
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
