You really coming over, don't trick.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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