remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
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I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Pooping to opera.
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