Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
