its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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