I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
