mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
