What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
