I think I won the penis lottery.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
