oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
