I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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