I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
