If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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