dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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