If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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