That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
