Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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