Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
