You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
