is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
