i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
