Christians are straight up FREAKS
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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