i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
