i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
