my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Randomize
