You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
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