Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
