so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Randomize
