worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
