I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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