now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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