It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
