and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
