I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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