is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
