someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
