All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
