hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
