I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
