i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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