Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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