I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
