farters have to be the big spoon...
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Too much gin, very little bucket
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
