I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
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