oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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