I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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