I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
