She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
