A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
