i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
