why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
