lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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